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Symptoms of Co-dependency

The term co-dependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of co-dependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely co-dependent.

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that co-dependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of co-dependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as co-dependent.

Low self-esteem

Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame, guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing

It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but co-dependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some co-dependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor Boundaries

Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where co-dependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Some co-dependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity

A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realise it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking

Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but co-dependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Control

Control helps co-dependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for co-dependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Co-dependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, co-dependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

Dysfunctional Communication

Co-dependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions

Co-dependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency

Co-dependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial

One of the problems people face in getting help for co-dependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Co-dependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some co-dependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy

By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful Emotions

Co-dependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.


There is help for recovery and change.
The first step is getting guidance and support.
These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to
identify and change on your own.

Try a 12-Step program, such as Co-dependents Anonymous or seek counseling.
Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

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Thank You

A special thank you to:

David Bean, Bryan Meloy, Liz, Pauline, Howard, Sean & all my friends at (Independence Trust) & (C.I.S)

Gwen Bridges, Helen Mcilvany, Neil Jennings, Sarah Welch, Tony Gardiner, Louise, Robyn & all at: Countywide Specialist Substance Misuse Service

Philip Trenchard, Jo Bell,
Lou, Matthew, Trudy, Ian,
Stan, Frankie, Fiona,
ETE Staff, Toni, Silvana,
L
ucy, Beanie
and everybody associated with The Nelson Trust

Pat Bugler, Mellisa, Val, John & the staff at Westcliff House

Dr D P Knight Rosebank Surgery
Dr Waldon Rowcroft Medical Center
Dr D Kempson Locking Hill Surgery

More special thanks to:

Nick Kelly
Phil (thrasher), Shar (misfit)
Helen (livin' life clean),
Clayton (the driver),
Sheena(the voice),
Jacky N,
Mandy M, Laura, Isis. Sam,
Anne T, 
Dean. Alicia, 
Tiffany. Darren,

Andy (west ham), 
Mark (london), Vikki, Chris,
Charlie. Ed (spurs). Jane. Jo
Karen V. Maureen. Nick
Sharon (surrey). Steph. Rick,
Steve (Tetbury), Gill (Stroud
)

Sam, Dave, Andy, Phil, Steve, Jackie, Dean, Nera, and Essex Girl (Westcliffe House) 2005... and many more.


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